TumbleDweeeb

   WHY ARE THESE SELF-PROCLAIMED “HUSTLERS” SPENDING MORE TIME CREATING INSPIRATIONAL INSTAGRAM GRAPHICS THAN ACTUALLY MAKING ANY MONEY?!?!? 💸💸💸 Chris Henson here, and I am having a COMPLETE ENTREPRENEURIAL MELTDOWN over these KEYBOARD MOGULS who talk about “GRINDING” and “HUSTLING” while their only actual business is SELLING THE DREAM OF HUSTLING!!!
   Has anyone else noticed how the word “hustler” has transformed from meaning someone who works multiple jobs to survive into some kind of DIGITAL PROPHET selling $997 COURSES on “How to Make Six Figures While You Sleep”?!? My cousin calls himself a “24/7 HUSTLER” but somehow has time to post SEVENTEEN DAILY STORIES about his “MINDSET JOURNEY” and has been “between ventures” for TWO YEARS!!! That’s not hustling, that’s ELABORATE UNEMPLOYMENT WITH A HASHTAG!!!
   The absolute WORST are the ones who use AGGRESSIVE CAPITALIZATION in every post!!! “RISE AND GRIND!” “NO DAYS OFF!” “WHILE YOU SLEPT, I BUILT AN EMPIRE!” Meanwhile, their “empire” consists of a dropshipping store selling generic phone cases and a PDF about “UNLOCKING YOUR POTENTIAL” that they copied from a WIKIHOW ARTICLE!!! That’s not business acumen, that’s DIGITAL SNAKE OIL!!!
   Don’t even get me STARTED on their social media feeds that are nothing but posed photos in front of RENTED LUXURY CARS and HOTEL LOBBIES they walked into for 5 minutes!!! “Manifestation in progress 🙏” they caption, while standing next to a Lamborghini that the ACTUAL OWNER is anxiously watching from just outside the frame!!! That’s not evidence of success, that’s a LOCATION SCOUTING EXERCISE!!!
   I attended a “ENTREPRENEUR MINDSET MASTERMIND” last month (against my better judgment) where a guy who calls himself a “SERIAL ENTREPRENEUR” spent TWO HOURS explaining how to “build your personal brand” despite having NO DISCERNIBLE BUSINESS other than TALKING ABOUT BUSINESS!!! He literally said “The hustle isn’t about what you do, it’s about who you are,” which is CONVENIENT since he doesn’t actually DO ANYTHING!!! That’s not business advice, that’s EXISTENTIAL WORD SALAD!!!
   The most BAFFLING part is watching these hustlers spend THOUSANDS on looking successful instead of becoming successful!!! Designer clothes, fake office setups for Instagram, and $200 “networking events” that are just glorified HAPPY HOURS where everyone exchanges cards for businesses that DON’T ACTUALLY EXIST YET!!! I watched a self-proclaimed “CEO of his OWN MADE UP BUSINESS” spend 30 minutes arranging his LAPTOP, EMPTY JOURNAL, and STRATEGICALLY PLACED MOTIVATIONAL BOOK for a photo while using a STARBUCKS GIFT CARD someone else gave him to pay for his coffee!!! That’s not building an empire, that’s STAGING A FICTIONAL LIFE!!!
   These “hustlers” have created a COMPLETELY FICTIONAL ECONOMIC MODEL where they all just SELL ADVICE TO EACH OTHER in an endless circle!!! “Buy my course on how to sell courses to people who want to sell courses about selling courses!” It’s like a PYRAMID SCHEME where the product is the CONCEPT OF ENTREPRENEURSHIP ITSELF!!! That’s not a business ecosystem, that’s an MLM for LINKEDIN INFLUENCERS!!!
   The absolute PEAK of hustle culture absurdity is the MORNING ROUTINE MYTHOLOGY!!! “I wake up at 4AM, meditate for an hour, work out for two hours, read 50 pages, journal my intentions, and make 100 cold calls ALL BEFORE 8AM!!!” Sure, Jan. I followed one of these “hustlers” on Instagram and within the same week he posted about his “consistent 4AM wake-up routine” and then his “epic night out” with stories timestamped at 3AM!!! WHICH IS IT, TYLER??? That’s not time management, that’s CHRONOLOGICAL FICTION!!!
   And the BUZZWORDS!!! These people communicate almost exclusively in a language made up of “LEVERAGE,” “SCALE,” “PASSIVE INCOME,” “VALUE PROPOSITION,” and “DISRUPT” while their actual business model is selling $15 e-books about USING THESE EXACT BUZZWORDS!!! I asked one what his company actually does and got a THREE-MINUTE answer that contained zero concrete information!!! That’s not business strategy, that’s VERBAL CAMOUFLAGE!!!
   What makes this truly INFURIATING is how they’ve corrupted the actual meaning of “hustle”!!! Real hustlers are working multiple jobs, driving Uber after their day job, or selling handmade crafts on weekends to make ends meet!!! They don’t have time to create 15-part Instagram carousels about “Why Sleep Is For The Weak” because they’re ACTUALLY WORKING!!! That’s not gatekeeping, that’s SEMANTIC ACCURACY!!!

UPDATE: Just received a DM from a “business coach” offering to help me “escape the 9-5 grind” for the low price of $5,000!!! His profile says “SELF-MADE MILLIONAIRE” but his Facebook from 3 years ago was asking friends for recommendations on cheap apartment rentals!!! CURIOUS TIMELINE, JASON!!!

UPDATE 2: Yes, this is Chris “Actually Works For A Living” Henson! Between my barking dog, traffic lights with vendettas, and now these digital charlatans redefining words faster than Merriam-Webster can keep up, I’m convinced we’re living in some kind of post-truth economy! At least my dog’s incessant barking produces an actual service (neighborhood squirrel alerts), which is more than I can say for these “entrepreneurs” whose only product is convincing others they have a product!!!

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