TumbleDweeeb

   I AM ABSOLUTELY LOSING IT OVER THIS BABY OIL COVERAGE!!! 😤😤😤 Chris Henson here, and I swear my NEWS FEED has been HIJACKED by MORE MOISTURIZER ARTICLES THAN THERE ARE POTHOLES ON HIGHWAY 31!!!
   I just wanted to read about P. DIDDY’S CASE!!! THE ACTUAL CHARGES!!! SEX TRAFFICKING, RACKETEERING CONSPIRACY, AND SERIOUS CRIMINAL ALLEGATIONS!!! And suddenly my screen is FLOODED with “1,000 BOTTLES OF BABY OIL SEIZED” and “WHAT WAS ALL THAT LUBRICANT FOR???” I HAVEN’T USED BABY OIL SINCE THE REAGAN ADMINISTRATION!!! The only thing oily in my house is the BACON I made Rex this morning!!!
   These media outlets are PULLING A FAST ONE!!! A man is facing SERIOUS FEDERAL ALLEGATIONS about “FREAK OFFS” and organizing an ENTIRE CRIMINAL ENTERPRISE and somehow we’re all supposed to care about JOHNSON & JOHNSON’S QUARTERLY SALES SPIKE??? “Baby oil explained!” “Lubricant quantities analyzed!” “Alabama moms DISTURBED by shopping shortages!” THE ONLY THING I’M DISTURBED BY IS THE COMPLETE LACK OF ACTUAL REPORTING!!!
   And don’t even get me started on the “expert interviews” about SKIN CARE SUPPLIES!!! I was getting my morning coffee and my phone starts blasting “PROSECUTORS REVEAL MASSIVE BABY OIL STOCKPILE!” Jennifer at the counter asked if I was STARTING A DAYCARE!!! Karlee with two E’s offered DIAPER RECOMMENDATIONS!!! BOB ASKED IF I NEEDED A BULK DISCOUNT!!!
   The algorithm is GASLIGHTING US!!! Trying to read about serious criminal proceedings involving COERCION, VIOLENCE, and TRAFFICKING and there’s SEVENTEEN articles about MOISTURIZING PRODUCTS!!! Which one mentions the ACTUAL COURT CASE??? It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack except the needle is FEDERAL INDICTMENTS and the haystack is BATH & BODY WORKS INVENTORY!!!
   These “recommended for you” sections make me VIOLENT!!! “Since you read about P. Diddy, you might like: Top 5 Baby Lotions!” NO ALGORITHM!!! I DON’T!!! I haven’t even CONSIDERED infant skincare since my NEPHEW WAS BORN IN 1998!!! It’s like having someone follow you around the courthouse asking if you need help finding PETROLEUM JELLY while you’re trying to hear TESTIMONY!!!
   My cousin Linda called me CONFUSED because she thought P. Diddy was being charged with “running an illegal baby oil smuggling ring”!!! THAT’S HOW BAD THE COVERAGE IS!!! She watches the news EIGHT HOURS A DAY and somehow missed THE ENTIRE ACTUAL TRAFFICKING CASE!!! The same woman who can recite every detail of the O.J. trial thinks a RAPPER is on trial for INSUFFICIENT MOISTURIZING PROPERTIES!!!
   Media distraction is the SPAWN OF SATAN!!! “We’re just reporting what was found in the raids!” LIES!!! You’re burying serious allegations of DRUGGING and COERCION under MOUNTAINS of irrelevant INFANT SKINCARE ROUTINES!!! I tried searching “P. Diddy case updates” and got “P. Diddy’s Favorite Moisturizing Products – You Won’t BELIEVE #4!!!” REX DOESN’T EVEN USE LOTION!!!
   The worst part? This distraction is CALCULATED!!! They know exactly what they’re doing! They’re counting on our GOLDFISH ATTENTION SPANS!!! I got a push notification about “Breaking News” that turned out to be “Breaking: Baby Oil Sales Soar After Diddy Case”!!! THAT’S NOT BREAKING NEWS!!! THAT’S BREAKING MY SPIRIT!!!
   I tried using different news sources and got even MORE baby oil coverage!!! Now they think I’m OBSESSED with moisturizing!!! My ads are all BABY PRODUCTS!!! Patricia from the pharmacy asked if I needed help finding the “new lotion everyone’s talking about”!!! THE ALGORITHM HAS INFECTED REAL LIFE!!!

UPDATE: Just got a notification for “Why Baby Oil Discussions Are Important For Democracy.” THE MEDIA IS TROLLING ME.

UPDATE 2: Another headline: “Is Your Dog’s Dry Skin A Sign You Should Pay Less Attention To Major Court Cases?” REX SAW IT AND STARTED BARKING AT THE SCREEN.

UPDATE 3: Now getting recommended articles for “Celebrity Court Cases That Changed Baby Oil Forever.” THEY’RE IN MY BRAIN!!!

UPDATE 4: I tried discussing it on a SOCIAL MEDIA SITE created by a WANNABE DIGITAL CREATOR and they told ME that I AM TAKING UP for DOUCHEBAG DIDDY because I POINTED OUT THE FACTS that MEDIA IS REPORTING TOO MUCH BABY LOTION in THEIR NEWS ARTICLES.

UPDATE 5: DIDDY WILL NEED SOME “SLICK” LAWYERS TO “SLIDE” OUT OF THE “HOLE” HE’S GOT HIMSELF INTO.

#ChrisHensonVsMediaDistraction #BabyOilConspiracy #WhereIsTheRealNews #SaveLinda #RexDoesntNeedLotion #AlgorithmHell #NewsDeception #MediaManipulation #DistractionTactics #LotionGate