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Emmitt Owens

February 2026

  • I’d… Backup Plan: Full Mission

    I’d… Backup Plan: Full MissionBackup Plans — The Real KindBy: Emmitt Owens(Index: #02232026)      Let’s talk about backup plans, because a lot of asshats out there have their whole system thought out. “I’ll keep him/her around if this doesn’t work out.” That’s asshat ideology. It’s selfish, it’s cowardly, and it guarantees you’ll never fully show… Read more

  • THE GREAT FACEBOOK ROAST OF FEBRUARY 2025

    In February 2025, a Facebook comment section erupted into chaos over a political cartoon, featuring Emmitt Owens and Seth Cochrane. The exchange devolved from political discourse to a comedic roast, showcasing humorous insults, personal revelations, and social dynamics. Ultimately, Emmitt triumphed, aided by insightful commentary from bystanders, including Mykle Eaton and Jenna Thompson. Read more

  • Cocaine Caroline

    Cocaine CarolineBy: Emmitt Owens—Buzzard Dust, 2012(Index #2012) We all knewWhat it’d doWhen I took those shots with you…We both passed out onto the floor. And I didn’t know what to sayWhen you said your love or my cocaineSo I said “what the hell”And began to drink away. When I took that blow up my noseI… Read more

  • The Tallest of Talls: A Story of Aydee the Grand

    The Tallest of Talls: A Story of Aydee the GrandBy: Emmitt Owens(Index #02172026) In the town of Wee-Wumble, on Shrinkle-Down Street,Lived a woman named Aydee with remarkably big feet.Not big in a bad way — oh no, not at all!Her feet were just proof that she was built very tall. Her laugh was like thunder,… Read more

  • Growth: How We Turned Forever Into Something Better

    Growth: How We Turned Forever into Something BetterBy Emmitt Owens(2480 Roasting Words of Celebration, 29 Years After the Marriage… the 17th Year of Divorce.) Index #0213226 Seesha,I love that we could orchestrate this whole roast week together – celebrating what would’ve been our 29th wedding anniversary and our 17th year of divorce at the same… Read more