TumbleDweeeb

Emmitt Owens

#Hilarious

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 23

    Braggarts, Brains, and Betrayal    Thursday night at Chill & Fill greets me with its usual fluorescent embrace. The one-eyed polar bear sign watches over the parking lot, its neon wink a perpetual commentary on the human comedy below.   The radio plays Queens of the Stone Age’s “No One Knows” as I restock the cigarette Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 22

    Spilled Coffee, Supernatural Seekers, and Late-Night Confessions    My Friday night shift at Chill n’Fill was off to a promising start. The one-eyed polar bear sign flickered less tonight—Bob had finally convinced the electrician to return and fix the wiring after three rescheduled appointments. The bear’s eyepatch now glowed a vibrant purple instead of its Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 21

    Dead City Nights, Reclaimed Labels, and Peeking Through    Jennifer called in sick again—this time claiming her “clock had a broken gear” which might have been vaguely plausible in 1875 but seems highly suspect in our digital age. I’m starting to think she has a secret life as an international spy, given her increasingly creative Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 20

    Limitations, Lamentations, and Lyrical Coincidences    Jennifer called in sick again. This time her excuse was that her “goldfish blew bubbles” which is either some elaborate euphemism I’m not hip enough to understand or the weakest excuse in the history of employment. Either way, I’m covering her shift for the eighth time this month. At Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 19

    The Card Hunter, The Minister, and The Modern Shaggy    Jennifer called in sick AGAIN. This marks the seventh time this month, which I’m pretty sure qualifies her for some kind of absenteeism world record. Today’s excuse was “car troubles,” which is both entirely plausible and completely suspect given that she used the same excuse Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 18

    Profanity, Politics, and Paranormal Activity      Jennifer called in sick again with what she claimed was “a severe case of food poisoning,” which is either genuinely unfortunate timing or the most transparent excuse I’ve heard since my roommate said our cat deleted our rent payment. Whatever. More questionable night shifts for me, Karlee, professional sarcasm Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 16

    Bob’s Announcements, Abandonment, and Audacity Tuesday night at Chill n’Fill began with a minor apocalypse in the dairy section. The aged refrigeration unit—which Bob had repeatedly promised to replace “next fiscal quarter” for the past seven fiscal quarters—finally gave up its mechanical ghost with a death rattle that sounded suspiciously like Kenny Rogers’ “Know When Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 15

    Bicycles, Energy Drinks, and Candy Thieves    The Three’s Company theme song suddenly blared through the Chill & Fill’s ancient sound system, its jaunty, upbeat melody filling the store despite nobody pressing play. The cheerful tune about “come and knock on our door” and “three’s company too” echoed across the empty parking lot, creating an Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 13

    Announcements, Raps, and Inappropriate Requests    Tuesday night at Chill & Fill was usually slow, but Bob had chosen today to test the store’s new intercom system. The one-eyed polar bear sign had received yet another accessory—this time a miniature gold chain around its neck, giving our mascot an unexpected hip-hop vibe that clashed violently Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 14

    Wildlife, Wild Behavior, and Wild Requests    Sunday night at Chill & Fill was proving to be anything but peaceful. The one-eyed polar bear mascot outside—now sporting not only its signature eyepatch but also a miniature fishing rod and sailor hat—had somehow attracted a family of actual raccoons that had taken up residence behind the Read more