TumbleDweeeb

Emmitt Owens

humor

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 21

    Dead City Nights, Reclaimed Labels, and Peeking Through    Jennifer called in sick again—this time claiming her “clock had a broken gear” which might have been vaguely plausible in 1875 but seems highly suspect in our digital age. I’m starting to think she has a secret life as an international spy, given her increasingly creative… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 20

    Limitations, Lamentations, and Lyrical Coincidences    Jennifer called in sick again. This time her excuse was that her “goldfish blew bubbles” which is either some elaborate euphemism I’m not hip enough to understand or the weakest excuse in the history of employment. Either way, I’m covering her shift for the eighth time this month. At… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 19

    The Card Hunter, The Minister, and The Modern Shaggy    Jennifer called in sick AGAIN. This marks the seventh time this month, which I’m pretty sure qualifies her for some kind of absenteeism world record. Today’s excuse was “car troubles,” which is both entirely plausible and completely suspect given that she used the same excuse… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 18

    Profanity, Politics, and Paranormal Activity      Jennifer called in sick again with what she claimed was “a severe case of food poisoning,” which is either genuinely unfortunate timing or the most transparent excuse I’ve heard since my roommate said our cat deleted our rent payment. Whatever. More questionable night shifts for me, Karlee, professional sarcasm… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 16

    Bob’s Announcements, Abandonment, and Audacity Tuesday night at Chill n’Fill began with a minor apocalypse in the dairy section. The aged refrigeration unit—which Bob had repeatedly promised to replace “next fiscal quarter” for the past seven fiscal quarters—finally gave up its mechanical ghost with a death rattle that sounded suspiciously like Kenny Rogers’ “Know When… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 15

    Bicycles, Energy Drinks, and Candy Thieves    The Three’s Company theme song suddenly blared through the Chill & Fill’s ancient sound system, its jaunty, upbeat melody filling the store despite nobody pressing play. The cheerful tune about “come and knock on our door” and “three’s company too” echoed across the empty parking lot, creating an… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 12

    Late Night Desires, Divine Complexes, and Heated Confessions    It was Saturday night at Chill & Fill, and I was feeling distinctly unlike myself. Two weeks without a date, an apartment with broken air conditioning, and the constant disappointment of dating apps had left me in a perpetually aroused state that was becoming increasingly distracting.… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 8

    Metal Heads, Mountain Dew, and Midnight Mischief    Thursday night at Chill & Fill was unusually quiet. The one-eyed polar bear sign had been upgraded again—this time Bob had added a small plastic guitar to the bear’s paw, claiming it gave our mascot “rock star appeal.” The bear now looked like a pirate sailor who’d… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 7

    The Morning Rush: Dawn Breaks at the Quickmart The neon sign at the “Chill n’Fill” flickers to life with all the enthusiasm of a teenager asked to clean their room. Our one-eyed polar bear mascot—inexplicably styled like a pirate despite selling gas station coffee rather than plundering ships—surveys the parking lot with its solitary gaze,… Read more

  • Chill & Fill Episode 6

    Broadcasts, Briny Dreams, and Phantom Burnout    Thursday night at Chill & Fill, and Bob stands vertical… a portent of impending doom.   The second red flag? He brandishes a microphone while clutching a coffee mug proclaiming “#1 Defense Attorney.” For the record: Bob’s legal expertise peaked at a contested parking ticket in 2003, which he… Read more