TumbleDweeeb

Emmitt Owens

writing

  • The Trans Am (1982)

         I was five years old when I learned how to start a car. Not just any car… a 1980 Trans Am, dark purple, with T-tops that offered glimpses of Arkansas sky and an exhaust system that announced our arrival half a mile before we appeared. That Phoenix emblazoned across the hood might as… Read more

  • Chris Henson Rants: #35 Poor Grammer

          WHY ARE PEOPLE STILL TYPING LIKE THEIR KEYBOARD IS HAVING AN ACTUAL SEIZURE?!?!? 👆👆👆 Chris Henson here, and I am ABSOLUTELY LOSING MY MIND over these ALPHABET ASSASSINS who communicate like they’re being CHARGED BY THE LETTER or writing with their ELBOWS!!!   Have y’all noticed how some people text like they’re ACTIVELY RUNNING… Read more

  • Chris Henson Rants: #14 Pop-Up Ads

    Chris Henson Rants: #14 Pop-Up Ads (04/10/2025)    I AM GONNA LOSE MY FREAKING MIND IF I SEE ONE MORE POP-UP AD!!!! 😤😤😤 Chris Henson here, and I’m about to THROW MY LAPTOP INTO THE SAME INTERSECTION WHERE I’M ALWAYS STUCK AT THAT BROKEN TRAFFIC LIGHT!!!     I just wanted to look up WEATHER!!! THE WEATHER!!!… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 22

    Spilled Coffee, Supernatural Seekers, and Late-Night Confessions    My Friday night shift at Chill n’Fill was off to a promising start. The one-eyed polar bear sign flickered less tonight—Bob had finally convinced the electrician to return and fix the wiring after three rescheduled appointments. The bear’s eyepatch now glowed a vibrant purple instead of its… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 20

    Limitations, Lamentations, and Lyrical Coincidences    Jennifer called in sick again. This time her excuse was that her “goldfish blew bubbles” which is either some elaborate euphemism I’m not hip enough to understand or the weakest excuse in the history of employment. Either way, I’m covering her shift for the eighth time this month. At… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 19

    The Card Hunter, The Minister, and The Modern Shaggy    Jennifer called in sick AGAIN. This marks the seventh time this month, which I’m pretty sure qualifies her for some kind of absenteeism world record. Today’s excuse was “car troubles,” which is both entirely plausible and completely suspect given that she used the same excuse… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 18

    Profanity, Politics, and Paranormal Activity      Jennifer called in sick again with what she claimed was “a severe case of food poisoning,” which is either genuinely unfortunate timing or the most transparent excuse I’ve heard since my roommate said our cat deleted our rent payment. Whatever. More questionable night shifts for me, Karlee, professional sarcasm… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 16

    Bob’s Announcements, Abandonment, and Audacity Tuesday night at Chill n’Fill began with a minor apocalypse in the dairy section. The aged refrigeration unit—which Bob had repeatedly promised to replace “next fiscal quarter” for the past seven fiscal quarters—finally gave up its mechanical ghost with a death rattle that sounded suspiciously like Kenny Rogers’ “Know When… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 11

    Static Shocks, Strange Frequencies, and Whispered Confessions    Wednesday night at Chill & Fill started with a commotion. Bob had decided the store’s ancient radio system needed “upgrading,” which apparently meant dismantling it with a screwdriver while it was still plugged in. The one-eyed polar bear mascot… now sporting not only its sailor hat and… Read more

  • Chill n’Fill Episode 12

    Late Night Desires, Divine Complexes, and Heated Confessions    It was Saturday night at Chill & Fill, and I was feeling distinctly unlike myself. Two weeks without a date, an apartment with broken air conditioning, and the constant disappointment of dating apps had left me in a perpetually aroused state that was becoming increasingly distracting.… Read more