TumbleDweeeb

Chris Henson Rants: #14 Pop-Up Ads (04/10/2025)

   I AM GONNA LOSE MY FREAKING MIND IF I SEE ONE MORE POP-UP AD!!!! 😤😤😤 Chris Henson here, and I’m about to THROW MY LAPTOP INTO THE SAME INTERSECTION WHERE I’M ALWAYS STUCK AT THAT BROKEN TRAFFIC LIGHT!!!
     I just wanted to look up WEATHER!!! THE WEATHER!!! And suddenly my screen turns into Times Square on New Year’s Eve!!! “CONGRATULATIONS CHRIS HENSON OF ALABAMA, YOU’VE WON!” I HAVEN’T WON JACK SQUAT!!! The only thing I’ve won is high blood pressure and a dog that won’t stop barking!!!
      These ads are STALKING ME!!! I looked at ONE dog bed for Rex and now every website thinks I’m opening a pet hotel!!! “Best dog beds in Hartselle, Alabama!” “Local pet stores HATE this one trick!” THE TRICK IS PROBABLY TEACHING YOUR DOG NOT TO BARK AT 3 AM!!!
   And don’t even get me started on video ads that SCREAM AT FULL VOLUME!!! I was at Chill N’ Fill using their WiFi (mistake #1) and suddenly my laptop starts blasting “ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION AFFECTS 1 IN 5 MEN!” Jennifer looked at me!!! Karlee with two E’s mouthed “you okay?” THE BEAR WINKED HARDER!!! BOB CAME OUT OF THE BACK OFFICE!!!
     The fake download buttons are PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE!!! Trying to download my Tigers’ schedule and there’s SEVENTEEN download buttons!!! Which one’s real??? It’s like defusing a bomb except instead of exploding you get McAfee antivirus!!! I ALREADY HAVE ANTIVIRUS!!! IT’S CLEARLY NOT WORKING!!!
      Those chat boxes that pop up INSTANTLY make me violent!!! “Hi! I’m Sarah! Can I help you today?” NO SARAH!!! I JUST GOT HERE!!! I haven’t even SCROLLED yet!!! It’s like having someone follow you around the grocery store asking if you need help finding milk while you’re still in the PARKING LOT!!!
   My cousin Linda called me crying because a pop-up said her computer had “9,847 viruses”!!! THAT’S SO SPECIFIC!!! Did they count each one individually??? She almost gave them her credit card AND her Social Security number!!! The same woman who won’t use self-checkout because “the machines are watching” almost gave her identity to “Microsoft Technical Support” with an Indian accent!!!
     Cookie notifications are the SPAWN OF SATAN!!! “We use cookies to improve your experience!” LIES!!! You use cookies to follow me around the internet like some digital stalker!!! I cleared my cookies once and had to re-login to EVERYTHING!!! Even Rex’s vet portal!!! REX DOESN’T NEED COOKIES!!!
      The worst part? These ads are SMART now!!! They know I’m stuck at traffic lights! They know about Rex’s barking! They probably know about my Chill N’ Fill trauma!!! I got an ad for “Traffic Light Repair Services” followed by “Dog Silencing Collars” followed by “Overcome Your Fear of Winking Bear Mascots”!!! THAT’S TOO SPECIFIC TO BE COINCIDENCE!!!
   I tried using incognito mode and got even WORSE ads!!! Now they think I’m some shady character buying illegal traffic light sensors on the dark web!!! The FBI is probably watching me!!! Patricia from the traffic department is probably filing reports!!!

UPDATE: Just got a pop-up for “Anger Management Classes in Your Area.” THE INTERNET IS TROLLING ME.

UPDATE 2: Another pop-up: “Is Your Dog’s Barking Driving You Crazy?” REX SAW IT AND STARTED BARKING AT THE SCREEN.

UPDATE 3: Now getting ads for “Spiritual Candles” and “Michelob Ultra Alternatives.” THEY’RE IN MY BRAIN!!!

#ChrisHensonVsPopUps #DigitalStalking #CookieMonster #InternetHell #TheyKnowEverything #SaveLinda #RexDoesntNeedCookies #IncognitoLies #FBIWatchList #PopUpPurgatory