TumbleDweeeb

   WHY ARE PEOPLE STILL TYPING LIKE THEIR KEYBOARD IS HAVING AN ACTUAL SEIZURE?!?!? 👆👆👆 Chris Henson here, and I am ABSOLUTELY LOSING MY MIND over these ALPHABET ASSASSINS who communicate like they’re being CHARGED BY THE LETTER or writing with their ELBOWS!!!
   Have y’all noticed how some people text like they’re ACTIVELY RUNNING FROM THE GRAMMAR POLICE?!? “Dis da best nite evr, u shud come thru l8r” – WHAT IS THIS LINGUISTIC HORROR SHOW?!? Your phone has AUTOCORRECT and a FULL DICTIONARY but you’re typing like you’re paying for each vowel SEPARATELY!!! That’s not communication, that’s a RANSOM NOTE FROM SOMEONE WHO KIDNAPPED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!!!
   The absolute WORST offenders are the ones who do this DESPITE having graduated from ACTUAL SCHOOLS where they presumably learned that “U R” is not, in fact, how you spell “you are”!!! My cousin has a BACHELOR’S DEGREE but texts like she’s trying to save enough characters to later write THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL!!! We have UNLIMITED TEXT MESSAGES now, JESSICA!!! The letter ‘Y’ is FREE OF CHARGE!!!
   Don’t even get me STARTED on the ones who mix this text massacre with RANDOM CAPITALIZATION and excessive PUNCTUATION!!!!! “DiS Da BeSt ThInG EvRrRr!!!!!!” It looks like their keyboard is having some kind of MEDICAL EMERGENCY!!! That’s not typing, that’s a CRY FOR TECHNOLOGICAL HELP!!!
   I received an ACTUAL EMAIL from a PROFESSIONAL BUSINESS that started with “Heyyy guyz, jst wnted 2 chk if ur coming by 4 da meetng tmrw?” THIS WAS A PROFESSIONAL LAWN SERVICE COMMUNICATION!!! (I’m currently employed by JACKSON LAWN SERVICE) N E ways… Not a text to your bestie about weekend plans!!! I had to read it THREE TIMES to understand that I needed to prepare MY TOOLS to CHANGE MOWER BLADES!!! That’s not workplace correspondence, that’s a LITERACY CRIME SCENE, JACKSON!!!
   The most BAFFLING specimens are the ones who alternate between TOTALLY NORMAL SENTENCES and this ALPHABET SOUP DISASTER!!! One paragraph is a thoughtful analysis of current events, and the next is “OMG cant w8 2 c wut happns nxt!!!” It’s like watching someone have a STROKE in real time!!! Pick a linguistic lane and STAY IN IT, PEOPLE!!!
   And the ABBREVIATIONS that make NO SENSE!!! “Omw to get sum groc then afhm we can wtch a mv.” I need a MILITARY-GRADE DECODER RING just to find out you’re buying MILK!!! That’s not time-saving, that’s DELIBERATELY CREATING CONFUSION!!! I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out what “afhm” meant before realizing it was “after heading home”!!! Just TYPE THE WORDS!!! Your fingers aren’t THAT TIRED!!!
   These text criminals have the AUDACITY to get annoyed when you ask for clarification!!! “Wym u dnt undrstnd???” I DON’T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU’RE COMMUNICATING IN WHAT APPEARS TO BE A SECRET CODE DEVELOPED BY A TODDLER HAVING A SUGAR RUSH!!! That’s not me being difficult, that’s you failing at the basic purpose of LANGUAGE!!!
   The absolute PEAK of this madness is watching these people try to write IMPORTANT MESSAGES this way!!! “Sry 4 ur loss” is NOT an appropriate way to express condolences!!! “Cngrts on ur engmnt” does NOT convey sincere happiness!!! These aren’t casual topics where you can sacrifice clarity for speed!!!
   I’ve started responding to these messages with INCREASINGLY FORMAL AND ELABORATE language just to create LINGUISTIC WHIPLASH!!! “Dearest acquaintance, I am writing to acknowledge receipt of your textual communication and wish to inquire as to the meaning of ‘c u @ da spot l8r.’ Please advise at your earliest convenience.” FIGHT CHAOS WITH FORMALITY!!!

UPDATE: Just received a TEXT INVITATION to a WEDDING that said “We r tyin da knot! Hope 2 c u there! BYOB & cash 4 the DJ”!!! THIS IS YOUR WEDDING, BRANDON, NOT A DORM PARTY!!!

UPDATE 2: Yes, it’s Chris “Full Sentence” Henson! Between my barking dog, traffic lights with vendettas, and now people who communicate like they’re sending telegrams while being chased by wolves, I’m convinced proper communication is dying a painful death! Maybe my dog barks constantly because he’s trying to speak better English than half my contact list! At least when he goes “WOOF WOOF” I know exactly what he means!!!

#TextingNightmare #AlphabetMurder #ChrisHensonVsTextSpeech #VowelEndangerment #AutocorrectExists #FullWordsPlease #GrammarApocalypse #WhtRUDoing #TypingIsntThatHard #LinguisticChaos #TextDecoding #VowelsAreFree #AbbreviationAbomination #EnglishLanguageCasualty #UrNotCool