Comedy
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Low-Rent MajesticA Multisyllabic, Whimsy, Stream of Consciousness RhymeBy: Emmitt Owens(Index #01022026) [Hook]I don’t need approval, I need better decisions My conscience got evicted for unpaid supervision I wake up like “damn, still me?”—that’s persistence Every bad idea got my full cooperation No halo, no villain arc, just friction Too weird for the normies, too broken for tradition If this goes Read more
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Parenting 101A Stream of Conscience, Comedic, Multisyllable RhymeBy: Emmitt Owens(Index #01012026) IntroAlright—hold up…Sound check crackling like my last relationship.Fair warning upfront: This gets weird if you’re sober or expecting common sense. Verse 1I’m infectious with sentences, diction got pestilence,If you clap back, pack proof and some penicillin in.I overcook metaphors, choke jokes twice,Trip over punchlines, Read more
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B-12: A Love NumberBy: Emmitt Owens(Index #12312025) Look, I’m fifty-four, and I’ll tell you right now: the house didn’t echo when my youngest daughter drove off to college. It just got quiet. The kind of quiet you’ve been waiting thirty-four years for, even if you didn’t know it. The last of the kids to Read more
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R.I.P. 2025 By: Emmitt Owens (Index #12302025-8:07am) Diddy’s baby oil stash went from bathroom accessory to courtroom exhibit, and the whole internet got LUBED, MOISTURIZED, AND SIDE-EYEING EVERY SHINE Suddenly nobody trusted a glow, a gloss, or a man with “good skin.” Taylor Swift got engaged to Travis Kelce and that announcement PENETRATED DEEP—timelines expanded, Read more
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The Opt-OutEpisode 5By: Emmitt Owens (Index #12292026) “Tolerance for not knowing is the quiet skill modern relationships no longer teach. It’s the ability to sit inside uncertainty without immediately labeling it, fixing it, or defending against it. It’s trusting that meaning can emerge over time instead of demanding clarity on demand. Relationships don’t unfold through certainty—they Read more
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The Physics of Sleeping With YouBy: Emmitt Owens(Index #12012025) Every night, the same accusation flies across the mattress like a thrown pillow. “You’re doing it again,” Marina says, her voice carrying through the darkness. I open one eye. I am currently occupying approximately seven inches of mattress space—what Marina has taken to calling “The Read more
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The Bug I Didn’t RemoveA Whimsy-Whirly, Topsy-Turvy, Tale of Delightful NonsenseBy: Emmitt Owens In two-thousand-seventeen, so the story goes,Everyone was keeping score with their…fingers and toes! Of a game nobody wanted, a game with no rules—I said, “I won’t play!” and they thought “he’s a fool”. Ten years before that (or was it eleven?)I found Read more
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Tuesday feels like everyone’s got a checklistof thingsthat shouldn’t bother thembut doHoward wrote three posts this weekabout baseball caps facing backwardThree separate postsSame capSame complaint.Same energy of a man who says“I just keep scrolling”while absolutely…not keeping scrollingInstead…He stopsHe has to post about itHe has to post about howthe plastic strap bothers himThat little adjustable piecestretched Read more
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Hawks Nest: The Healing of HawkEpisode 1 (2026)A Therapeutic JourneyWritten by: Emmitt Owens(Index #12022025-12042025)As narrated by: Waylon Waylon, Intro: “Well now, folks, settle in for a tale about the day Hawk Dawson decided he needed professional help—not for the reasons most folks thought, mind you, but because he’d reached what he called ‘a level of Read more
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Chill n’Fill: Thankful at Pump #3By: Emmitt OwensEpisode #68(Index #11252025) Thanksgiving at the Chill n’Fill doesn’t come with tablecloths. It comes with salt stains on the floor mats and people swearing under their breath at Pump #3. The bear—twenty feet of winking plastic optimism—stood over the lot in a knit scarf and a beanie Read more
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