TumbleDweeeb

Tuesday feels like everyone’s got a checklist
of things
that shouldn’t bother them
but do
Howard wrote three posts this week
about baseball caps facing backward
Three separate posts
Same cap
Same complaint.Same energy of a man who says
“I just keep scrolling”
while absolutely…
not keeping scrolling
Instead…
He stops
He has to post about it
He has to post about how
the plastic strap bothers him
That little adjustable piece
stretched across someone’s forehead
in a video he didn’t have to watch
but did watch
and then had to tell everyone
he watched it
and it was wrong
The plastic strap
“Look went out 30 years ago,”
Howard says
like fashion operates on a timer
set by the Council of …
Howard,
they meet every Tuesday
to vote on what’s acceptable
and the backward cap lost
in 1995
and never got the memo
I wonder what it’s like
to be that certain
about something
that doesn’t affect you at all
Howard loses respect for people,
Howard says “No credibility”
based on which direction …
fabric faces
Yes
You
Read
That
Correctly…
Not their words
Not their ideas
The hat angle
And the thing is
Howard’s not alone
We all have our version of the backward cap
Some small arbitrary things
that we’ve decided means something bigger.
A signifier we’ve loaded with
moral weight
That…
it was never meant to carry
For Howard it’s hats
For someone else it’s oxford commas
or people who say “literally”
or folks who put pineapple on pizza
or anyone who posts gym selfies
or uses voice messages
or doesn’t use their turn signal
or does literally anything
in a way we’ve decided
is the wrong way to do it
And we can’t just let it go…
We have to announce it
Document it…
Make sure everyone knows
That
we’ve noticed
and we’re bemused
which is just a fancy word for annoyed
that makes us sound smarter
about being annoyed
Howard says the headphones and large mic “add nothing”
which is … technically true
if you ignore that those are
the literal tools for making … audio content
but Howard’s not interested in that
Howard’s interested in being right
about something
That
no one’s arguing with him about
The digital creators don’t know Howard exists
They’re just wearing hats
making videos
living their lives
with their foreheads exposed to plastic straps
committing what Howard considers
a crime against 1995
But Howard knows they exist
Howard has done the research
Across all social media
Howard has scrolled
while claiming to keep scrolling
and found the evidence
of humanity’s decline
and it’s shaped …
exactly
like a …
backward Baseball cap
“I wish them good luck,” Howard writes
which we all know means
“I hope they see the error of their ways
and also, maybe fail a little bit
so, I can feel more correct
about my hat opinions.”
The Fall would be Because…
The Man Wore A Backward
Baseball Cap…
Not,
The Words or Beliefs…
That the Content Creator Stated
In his Video
I get it though.
We all do this.
Find something small and make it big
Find something that doesn’t matter…
and make it matter
Find a stranger’s choice and…
make it personal
like their backward cap
or their “k” text
or their four hours of sleep
is a direct commentary
on our forward caps
our full sentences
our eight hours and superiority about it
Howard keeps scrolling, he says
But none of us keep scrolling
We stop
We stare
We screenshot
We write three posts in one week
about the same plastic strap
worn by people we’ll never meet
doing things that have nothing to do with us
Because Tuesday is long
and we need something to be right about
Some hill to die on
that doesn’t actually matter
but feels like it does
when we’re tired
and the world is big
and confusing
and at least we can control
our opinion about which way a hat should face
At least we have that
Howard has his hats
I have my thing
You have yours
And we’re all out here
performing our bewilderment
at other people’s performances
while swearing we’re not performing
we’re just observing
we’re just bemused
by the state of things
The digital creators keep creating
The hats keep facing backward
Howard keeps not-scrolling
And somewhere
someone’s writing a post about Howard
writing posts about hats
and the circle continues
because it’s Tuesday
and we all need something to notice
something to judge
something small enough to understand
in a world that’s mostly too big
to make sense of
I just keep scrolling, I tell myself
I’m writing a poem about a man
writing posts about hats
None of us keep scrolling
It’s Tuesday
The hats are backward
Howard has noticed
And I’ve noticed Howard
And you’re noticing me noticing Howard
And it goes on like that
forever
probably
I’m releasing this
on a Wednesday because
I forgot to post it on a Tuesday
because I thought I posted it
on a Tuesday and couldn’t find it
posted in Tuesdays things
so Im posting it today and today
…is Wednesday.