TumbleDweeeb

R.I.P. 2025
By: Emmitt Owens
(Index #12302025-8:07am)

Diddy’s baby oil stash went from bathroom accessory to courtroom exhibit, and the whole internet got LUBED, MOISTURIZED, AND SIDE-EYEING EVERY SHINE Suddenly nobody trusted a glow, a gloss, or a man with “good skin.”

Taylor Swift got engaged to Travis Kelce and that announcement PENETRATED DEEP—timelines expanded, jaws dropped, and parasocials spiraled into chaos

Hawk Tuah girl popped up SPITTING ON EVERYTHING THAT MOVED No oil, no lube, just straight saliva and audacity. She spit on the mic, drenched the timeline, spit on thangs! Then she spit on a crypto coin, launched it, HAWK-TUAH’D RIGHT ON THE MARKET—Wallets opened willingly… and stayed stretched. Then the spit dried, the coin collapsed, and everybody realized they just got SALIVA-SIGNED OUT THEIR MONEY

Labubu dolls had grown adults OILED UP AND STAMPEDING through Pop Mart like foreplay with intent

Coldplay’s kiss-cam caught two executives MID-SLIDE, cheeks clenched, then they bolted straight out their seats and their jobs

Katy Perry rode a rocket looking like she was about to lose her grip on reality—thighs clenched, face saying ‘oh shit oh shit oh shit’ as the universe took over.

Netflix had folks GREASED UP STANNING fictional K-pop demon hunters harder than real humans

Everybody suddenly an AI expert, OILED DOWN, churning out Ghibli selfies like digital soft launches

“6…7” had teachers BENT AND SWEATING, trying to ban slang they don’t understand

Sydney Sweeney’s jeans ad had the internet FULLY STRETCHED, suddenly debating genetics like beauty was transferable.

McDonald’s ice cream machine still smoother than Diddy’s explanations—but refuses to perform

Justin Bieber at the beach “standing on business” but really just POSED UP AND RADIATING PRESENCE

Twitter finally completed its descent into X Same thirst, different logo, way more slippage. Elon insisted on the name like it was destiny, then he RELEASED THE ROBOT Optimus stood there rigid, shiny, and uncomfortable — like an app-controlled gadget that got turned on in public—half on the internet aroused by the future, half terrified it’s about to SLIDE AND VIBRATE INTO OUR JOBS WITHOUT CONSENT. And when X HID LIKES FROM THE PUBLIC??? PRIVACY MODE ACTIVATED. Suddenly everyone liking in peace, free to grease their timelines in private like civilized adults. No shame. No witnesses. Just vibes.

First American Pope elected—Chicago stayed MOISTURIZED AND BLESSED Wordle thriving, White Sox still floundering

Kendrick’s Super Bowl performance had Drake BENT, HELD, AND DISSECTED

Too many legends GLIDED AWAY—2025 stayed greased with loss

Firesticks still sliding past subscriptions like a side situation

That Virginia raccoon SLIPPED INTO A LIQUOR STORE, got LUBED UP, blacked out like a white girl and passed out—it became the patron saint of 2025

Joe Jonas couldn’t parallel park for 7 minutes—tires GREASED, dignity scraped

Beyoncé finally SLID INTO AOTY after years of edging the Academy

Harry Styles GLIDING THROUGH MARATHONS like cardio foreplay

Ed Sheeron’s Sicily wedding had us UNCOMFORTABLY TURNED ON BY JOY

“Starting Over” trend got folks finally PULLING OUT OF TOXIC SITUATIONS

The internet got FULLY OILED arguing whether that asteroid was a rock or a FOREPLAY FLY-BY FROM ALIENS

Love Island USA stayed SLICKER THAN PRIME-TIME TEASING

Bills still high, everybody a CEO, coach, or credit repair specialist but can’t spell THEIR/THERE/THEY’RE

Resolutions came in hot and PULLED OUT QUICKLY

But somehow… the whole year stayed LUBED, SPIT ON, GREASED, STRETCHED, AND GLAZED

#Goodbye2025#Hello2026#GreasedAndGlazed

Here’s to 2026 being slightly less… lubricated?

(Though let’s be honest, it probably won’t be)