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The Unfruitful Salesman

 A Live Demonstration of the Pritchard Professional Dust Eliminator
     Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, homeowners, renters, and those of you who were promised a free vacuum cleaner for attending.
   There is no free vacuum cleaner. But there is a free explanation of why there is no free vacuum cleaner, and I think you’ll find it far more valuable.
     My name is Reginald B. Pritchard, and for thirty-seven years I have been explaining vacuum cleaners to the American public. I have never once been asked a question I could not answer at length.
   Tonight I would like to introduce you to the Pritchard Professional Dust Eliminator.
     Now, the first thing people ask me is, “Reginald, what does it do?”
   And that is an excellent question. Let me answer it by asking you a better one: what does anything do?
     Think about it.
   Does a tree do anything? It stands there. And yet every autumn, there is fruit. Nobody asks the tree to explain itself. Nobody demands a demonstration from the tree. We simply trust that the tree is a tree.
     The Dust Eliminator is very much like that tree.
   Except it does not produce fruit.
     And it is not a tree.
   But you see my point.

The Demonstration
   Allow me to switch it on.
     The machine makes a tremendous noise.
   Wonderful, isn’t it?
     Notice the power. Notice the enthusiasm. Notice how confidently it vibrates against the carpet.
   Now, some of you in the front row may have noticed that the dirt remains exactly where it was before the demonstration.
     I’m so glad you noticed that, because it brings us to the second thing people ask me: “Reginald, why is the carpet still dirty?”
   To answer that, we have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning of the demonstration. The beginning of dirt.
     Where does dirt come from?
   It comes from outside.
     And where does outside come from?
   That’s a philosophical question, and frankly I don’t think we have time for it tonight. But I raise it so that you understand the scale of what this machine is up against.
     The Dust Eliminator does not merely remove dirt. That would be crude. It addresses dirt. It confronts dirt. It establishes, through sheer volume, that dirt is no longer welcome in your home.
   Whether the dirt leaves is, ultimately, a decision for the dirt.

How It Works
   Many customers want to understand the technology. I respect that. So let me walk you through it.
     Inside the Dust Eliminator is a motor.
   The motor turns.
     When the motor turns, it makes the noise you heard.
   And the noise, as you could tell, is extremely loud.
     Now, you might expect me to explain how the noise relates to suction. And I could. But I find that when I explain the suction, people start asking about the bag. And when I explain the bag, people start asking why the bag is empty. And when I explain why the bag is empty, people start asking for refunds.
   So in the interest of everyone’s time, let’s stay with the motor.
     The motor is excellent.

The Orchard Comparison
   I like to think of your carpet as an orchard.
     Every fiber is a tree. Every crumb is a fruit. And the Dust Eliminator is the harvester.
   Now, a good harvester goes through the orchard and collects the fruit.
     The Dust Eliminator goes through the orchard and inspects the fruit.
   It passes over each crumb, carefully, thoroughly, with tremendous noise, and it determines that the crumb is, in fact, still there.
     That is valuable information.
   Most vacuums would simply take the crumb away, and you’d never know what was in your carpet. With the Dust Eliminator, you will know exactly what was in your carpet, because it will still be there.
     Some of you are frowning. Let me try a different comparison.
   Imagine a farmer.
     No, that’s the same comparison. Let me try a different one.
   Imagine a basket.
     The basket is empty.
   That’s the dust compartment.
     Some people look at an empty dust compartment and say, “This vacuum hasn’t picked anything up.”
   I look at the same compartment and see potential. I see room. I see a compartment that has never been burdened by dirt and can therefore approach every carpet with an open mind.

Frequently Asked Questions

   “Reginald, does it work?”
     I would gently ask what you mean by “work.” If by “work” you mean “make noise,” then yes, tremendously. If by “work” you mean “clean the floor,” I would suggest you are holding the machine to a very narrow standard.

   “Reginald, have you ever seen it clean anything?”
     I have seen it near many clean things.

   “Reginald, why does the instruction manual just say ‘Believe’?”
     Because the full instructions are in our deluxe booklet, Understanding the Dirt You Cannot See, available tonight for $49.95. Chapter One explains why the dirt you can see is less important than the dirt you can’t. Chapter Two explains why the dirt you can’t see is less important than the booklet.

   “Reginald, can I get a refund?”
     Every Dust Eliminator comes with our lifetime warranty, which protects you against the possibility of ever needing to ask that question. If you find yourself asking it anyway, that is usually a sign that you have not used the machine correctly, and we would recommend the advanced booklet.

Testimonials
   I have sold over forty thousand Dust Eliminators.
     I am often asked how many of those customers are satisfied.
   And the honest answer is: I have never heard otherwise. Every customer who called to complain was transferred to our Customer Understanding Department, where a trained specialist explained the machine to them until they hung up.
     We count each of those calls as a resolved concern.

The Competition
   I should mention that some of our competitors sell vacuums that actually remove dirt from carpets.
     I’d urge caution.
   These machines create unrealistic expectations. They train customers to look at the floor after vacuuming. Once a customer starts looking at the floor, there’s no telling what else they’ll start looking at. Receipts. Reviews. The empty compartment.
     A Pritchard customer looks at the machine. And the machine, I think you’ll agree, is beautiful.

The Close
   Let me run it one more time.
     The machine roars to life.
   Look at that power! Listen to that motor! Feel that vibration!
     Ladies and gentlemen, this is what progress sounds like.
   Now, I’ve talked for nearly two hours, and I can tell some of you are still wondering what this vacuum actually does.
     That tells me something important.
   It tells me you’ve been listening.
     And anyone who listens to me this long deserves a Dust Eliminator. Tonight only, $399. Two for $799. And four for $1,599, with the platinum package: three Dust Eliminators, the deluxe booklet, and a certificate confirming that you were present when cleaning was discussed.
   Thank you, and please form an orderly line.

Afterward
   Outside the convention center, a janitor pushed an old, dented vacuum down the hallway. It wasn’t very loud. It had no brochure.
When he finished, the hallway was clean.
     Inside, the line stretched from the stage to the lobby doors. Reginald walked its length, shaking hands, and the line turned to follow him, the way a body follows its head.
   It was, by any measure, an impressive line.
     It simply wasn’t attached to anything.
   Out back, the janitor emptied his bag into a dumpster. The bag was full.
     He didn’t stop to look at anything. He had more hallways to clean.
   Reginald B. Pritchard will be available in the lobby to explain the difference for an additional fee.